Tuesday, April 16, 2013

What My Children Have Taught Me...

What My Children Have Taught Me...
  • There's no need for tissues as long as there are shirt sleeves, furniture and walls nearby.
  • If you blow raspberries on an infants stomach and he finds it funny, he will kick you in the face.
  • If you blow raspberries on an infants stomach and he does not find it funny, he will kick you in the face.
  • If you ask your mother enough times for something while she is or isn't on the phone, you will get what you want. The glare you give is irrelevant.
  • Children can't smell themselves, therefore, no shower is required. Ever.
  • Children have no need to brush their teeth because they'll just be eating again in 30 seconds.
  • If you bring snacks into the house, there will be no snacks in the house.
  • My things are not really my things. They're something that my children allow me to use until they desire said things. Then those things are either gone or broken. Or both.
  • My Diet Coke is community soda. Apparently.
  • I should not get highly annoyed when children "dog-ear" the pages of my book, since it isn't really mine anyway.
  • It doesn't matter how many times I wave my arm like a mad woman while I'm on an important call. My children don't take this gesture as a sign of "Be Quiet!", they take this as their cue to talk faster and louder.
  • I run a restaurant, not a household. I should not be bothered by the pickiness of all my children. I should just smile and make 5 separate meals to make everyone happy.
  • My lap is for urinating, vomitting, drooling & pooping on.
  • I will die eventually and sleep all I want.
  • I have to start getting everyone ready 3 hours prior to departure. If not, we will be late. I detest being late.
  • Anything I say isn't set in stone. My words are more of a suggestion than an actual command. "Bedtime" actually means "Do whatever". "Sit down and eat" actually means "Do whatever".
  • Cartoon Network is the only channel in existence.
  • Any and all of my shirts are actually napkins and tissues and I should not bother looking nice.
  • If my hair is in a ponytail, pigtails, a braid, or down, my son will eat it.
  • If I do not make a bottle fast enough, my son sounds like a bomb siren.
  • It's super cool when my son shits up his back and I need to cut his Onesie off of his body. This is funny and I should not be grossed out or comment on the horrific odor.
  • I do not need makeup, deodorant, or socks. These are all rentals permitted for my use by my generous daughter that can be taken back without notice.
  • If they drop something, I will pick it up as to not inconvenience my children.
  • I have time limits. I've already exceeded my allowed time typing this.


  1. Hahahahaha I am actually LOL-ing!!

    I agree with about everything you have posted here! I don't think I have ever though to cut a onesie off, though...

  2. Beautifully said as only you can do.

  3. How did I miss this?! This is awesome!!! We--your adoring fans-- are going to need more! (Put that in your mommy list and smoke it!) Xoxo and keep up the awesome work!