What My Children Have Taught Me...

What My Children Have Taught Me...

• There's no need for tissues as long as there are shirt sleeves, furniture and walls nearby.
• If you blow raspberries on an infants stomach and he finds it funny, he will kick you in the face.
• If you blow raspberries on an infants stomach and he does not find it funny, he will kick you in the face.
• If you ask your mother enough times for something while she is or isn't on the phone, you will get what you want. The glare you give is irrelevant.
• Children can't smell themselves, therefore, no shower is required. Ever.
• Children have no need to brush their teeth because they'll just be eating again in 30 seconds.
• If you bring snacks into the house, there will be no snacks in the house.
• My things are not really my things. They're something that my children allow me to use until they desire said things. Then those things are either gone or broken. Or both.
• My Diet Coke is community soda. Apparently.
• I should not get highly annoyed when children "dog-ear" the pages of my book, since it isn't really mine anyway.
• It doesn't matter how many times I wave my arm like a mad woman while I'm on an important call. My children don't take this gesture as a sign of "Be Quiet!", they take this as their cue to talk faster and louder.
• I run a restaurant, not a household. I should not be bothered by the pickiness of all my children. I should just smile and make 5 separate meals to make everyone happy.
• My lap is for urinating, vomitting, drooling & pooping on.
• I will die eventually and sleep all I want.
• I have to start getting everyone ready 3 hours prior to departure. If not, we will be late. I detest being late.
• Anything I say isn't set in stone. My words are more of a suggestion than an actual command. "Bedtime" actually means "Do whatever". "Sit down and eat" actually means "Do whatever".
• Cartoon Network is the only channel in existence.
• Any and all of my shirts are actually napkins and tissues and I should not bother looking nice.
• If my hair is in a ponytail, pigtails, a braid, or down, my son will eat it.
• If I do not make a bottle fast enough, my son sounds like a bomb siren.
• It's super cool when my son shits up his back and I need to cut his Onesie off of his body. This is funny and I should not be grossed out or comment on the horrific odor.
• I do not need makeup, deodorant, or socks. These are all rentals permitted for my use by my generous daughter that can be taken back without notice.
• If they drop something, I will pick it up as to not inconvenience my children.
• I have time limits. I've already exceeded my allowed time typing this.